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gridlocked


gridlocked
Gottman said when talking about working on gridlocked marital issues “Understand that working on these issues will take time. You may find that when you first begin to recognize and acknowledge your dreams, the problems between you seem to worsen rather than improve . Be patient. Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams is not easy . The very nature of gridlock means that your dreams appear to be in opposition, so you’ve both become deeply entrenched in your positions and fear accepting each others influence and yielding”.  
The gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics
  1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution
  2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy or affection
  3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self.

So of course it seems only logic to avoid gridlock in the first place and enjoy your perfect marriage ,  yes we can try to do that by continually working on our marriage and communication and noticing the first signs of gridlock happening .  However if your like my husband and I and many other friends I have,  gridlock seems to rear its ugly head over and over again . At these times it is important to be able to follow Gottman’s advice and be patient!  This has helped my husband and I, it is like we had to go through this trial in our marriage to make us stronger. I remember being so gridlocked in an argument and not willing to compromise and being so caught up in being right. At this time It seemed impossible for us to get past it and we were constantly hurting each other.
I love how Gottman said “remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to give in or lose “. The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other”.
This is so true and really what I have learnt most from reading this book is  I cant solve all our problems but I can communicate with my spouse, discuss conflict, have a sense of humor, listen and show genuine concern in to day to day things as well as the serious stuff. Focus on what will bring us eternal joy ,what will bind this marriage to last.  I have also learnt about harsh set ups and have seen as I utilise this knowledge in how i approach conflicts big or small in my marriage,  what a difference it makes in the outcome of the conversation.         Being gridlocked isn’t impossible to get out of  but like everything worth having it is hard work and a matter of making sure your pride does not come first. Put all your focus on what and who really matters instead of what you want to happen at that moment.  Realise your not selling out or losing out but often opening your marriage for opportunity and shared memories to be had together once you have passed the ugliness of gridlock in your marriage.  I will highly recommend or have this book on continual personal loan out to my friends and family as i can see the help and strength it can bring to a relationship. 

John M Gottman ,The seven principles for making marriage work  : chapter 11 pages 236, 237, 250

Gottman 


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